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Cracktastical crack!fic
Word Count: 801
Rating: PG
Summary: After a freak rainstorm Puck and Rachel find their way into the "Reptile Room" at the Zoo.
Characters: Puck, Rachel, an unexpected voyeur
Disclaimer: I do not own "Glee."
Author's Note: For
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andbless_mybaby: Here is your crack!fic.
Some people think that snakes just slither around all day and eat and then slither some more, but that’s simply untrue. I am Pythonidae Molurus Bivittatus, but most of the snakes around my habitat, a sorry example of what the Everglades used to look like, call me “Bitty.”
I spend most of my days watching the cute little humans walk by. Just in case you missed the memo, I live in the Cleveland Zoo, in the Reptile Room. Inside a small twenty foot by twenty foot glass enclosed cell is where I spend the majority of my time, watching and waiting.
And it was on one of those watching and waiting days when the unthinkable happened.
I could hear the rain, practically feel it scratch across my skin. If only human’s spoke pythonidus, I would have warned them of the eminent storm. Snakes do have a fifth sense about all things weather and meteorologically related.
That was when the two heathens stepped into my territory. I could smell the rain and pheromones even with the glass partition between us. I slipped closer to take a better look.
They were my first visitors all day, and I was curious as to what had brought them into my domain.
The human male was dressed rather shabbily. I have been around for many years of service at the zoo and have a very discerning eye. His hair was strangely spiked down the middle of his head like some kind of saw. Though he had no metal through his body that I could ascertain, I was sure that he was an oddity even in the human realm.
The female, too, was dressed in clothes unfit for a trip to the zoo, a short skirt with pleats and a soft sweater. She wore high socks and flat shoes, where pants and boots would have been more appropriate.
Still, they were my visitors and I did not wish to disappoint them.
I dimly heard the words, “no Glee,” and “come on, Berry” before I really focused in on the vibrations made from the humans (I, like so many other creatures, had to adapt to my new place in society, learning human speech patterns by translating vibrations through the air into something akin to human hearing).
“Noah, I’m absolutely drenched.”
“Come on, Berry, it’s the only way we’ll get warm again.”
I will never understand human obsession with warmth. When I give birth to my eggs, perhaps I will be better informed, as my mother and her mother before her both used the sun and its rays to help keep the young safe. Perhaps then I will better comprehend.
“Rach, there’s nobody here, come on. Live dangerously.” The ill-kempt boy whispered something in the ear of the strangely dressed girl and she giggled before moving her hands to his shirt. “You and me, baby, ain’t nothing but mammals.”
“You’re not singing me that immature and antiquated song about canine sexual habits, are you?”
“Oh, yes, I am.” He stripped off a layer of wet clothing.
If I could have closed my eyes at that moment I would have. No one needs to see the scene that came after that.
Needless to say, we snakes do not procreate like that at all. We fertilize eggs externally, unlike human beings, though it did not appear at first glance as those these particular humans were engaging in a mating ritual of some sort. More, they were trying to get warm and dry. And the male was trying to “get some.” (Such gruesome colloquialisms are often overheard by those such as myself.)
The speaking stopped after that for a while and the two humans used their mouths in strange ways, not to speak anymore, but perhaps to eat at each other’s limbs. It was all very confusing for me, I’ll admit, as no one had ever performed these acts in my presence.
By the time the female human had replaced her clothes, which were still wet, contrary to the human male’s prediction that they would dry easily, the human male had done the same. Their mouths were meeting in some kind of primitive communication and at one point I thought I saw the female’s tongue move into the male’s mouth.
They left my territory in a hurry, without so much as a glance my way.
It wasn’t until later that I heard that the humans had missed their mode of transportation back to their own habitats.
Snakes are very observant creatures and the next time you are at the Cleveland Zoo, please extend me the courtesy of keeping your clothes on (no matter how shabby they may appear), and actually taking the time to visit with the reptiles. And please know that you may think you’re alone, but we are watching you!
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You're hilarious, I love your weird brain, it makes me happy.
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:)
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I totally watched season one - bought the dvds and everything and then never watched another season. I should have. *sigh* Maybe I'll get back on it.
Dexter is such a lovable serial killer!
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