fic: maybe that's what life is all about (rachel, pg)

[ms_becca]

Maybe that's what life is all about
Rachel Berry from day 1 to year 20.
rating: pg
disclaimer: I don't own them
 

 

The day you’re born your fathers look at you and sigh.

They say they’ve never seen anything so beautiful before in their lives. 

You’re too small and new to the world to hear or remember this.

~~

They’re always there for you, buying you pretty dresses and colour co-ordinated outfits that only two gay men would buy.

You let them, partly because you don’t know how to sit up in your crib and partly because you love them unconditionally.

So when they put you in a frilly pink dress with matching tights and complementary headband you giggle at them, and promptly throw up your lunch of smushed carrots all over it. 

You keep smiling even as they’re cleaning you off.

~~

By the time you turn three and are able to create real lasting memories your vocabulary is already quite good. Your fathers have placed you in dance lessons. Sometimes you practice your show face in the mirrors, smiling big and bright over the pink bodysuit and white tights. 

You dance harder than the other kids, you listen more carefully because already you know in your heart that this is what you want to do.

You want to perform.

~~

You dance and sing for your parents’ friends when they come for dinner parties.

At age four, it’s an elegant recital of “Twinkle, twinkle, little star.”

By age 7, it’s a rousing rendition of “On My Own” from <i>Les Miserables</i>.

Each time they applaud you, something inside of you lights up.

~~

Your fathers still tell you every morning that you’re beautiful.

By the time you hit twelve, all you can see is the massive flaw of your nose (slightly crooked and too large for your face).

~~

You think that high school will be wonderful. You’ll have a plethora of friends and your teachers will adore you.

Two days into your freshman year, you’ll come to recognize that high school is more nightmare than dream.

The realization comes in blue raspberry flavoured stains.

~~

Your fathers worry that you don’t have many friends.

You talk to some people from dance class, but they attend other schools in the area, besides you’re much too focussed on your career. If you want to be a star (and you really want to be a star), there are sacrifices that must be made. 

You think friendship is one of those sacrifices.

Eventually friendship will find you anyway.

~~

You join the Glee Club in your sophomore year, and end up falling in love with a boy because of his voice.

You also feel up a girl.

Your fathers laugh when you relay the story to them at the dinner table.

~~

Finn Hudson breaks your heart four times that year.

Once when he walks out on you in the auditorium (leaving the taste of virgin cosmos and boy on your lips).

Once when you find out from the club that Quinn is pregnant and he’s played you (the slap you give him is strangely unsatisfying).

Once when you ask him to be your co-captain and he doesn’t have the courage to show up for photos.

And once when he breaks up with you in the hallway of the high school.

~~

Your dad buys you chocolate chip mint ice cream and you wallow for about half an hour before stepping onto your elliptical machine for a heavy workout to release your anger.

You should have expected it.

~~

You meet Jesse St. James at the public library and his voice is more seductive when he’s sitting next to you on a piano bench.

He’s not Finn, but maybe he’ll appreciate you for who you are.

~~

You screw up. He moves for you and you can’t make up your mind.

~~

Puck is there to pick up the pieces when Jesse leaves. You don’t quite trust him, but dating Mercedes has softened him a bit.

You make out in your bedroom. One of your dads must close the door at some point, like he’s giving permission or his blessing (or maybe he just knows that you need someone to rely on for a little while).

You don’t sleep with him.

~~

Finn tries to get you back.

But you think that maybe you’re in love with someone else entirely.

You can’t even say it out loud because you’re so afraid of it.

When Finn looks at you, you feel warm and safe. You want to talk to him about things. You wonder if that’s what friendship really feels like.

~~

You give yourself to Noah on a rainy Tuesday afternoon, and it’s nothing like you thought it would be.

There are no candles or soft music. There’s no sexy lingerie or rose petals on the bed.

But somehow everything is perfect just the same. Maybe it’s because it’s Noah, and you. And no one else can take that.

~~

You fight.

A lot.

Finn always takes your side, you wonder if it’s because he’s still in love with you. To be honest, you don’t really care. He might be your only friend.

~~

When Noah strays Finn is there.

But then he’s not, because suddenly Brittany is in the picture.

You wonder why you’re surprised.

~~

Your fathers take you to see a show in Cleveland for your birthday. They tell you how beautiful you look, and you believe them. You wear the dress they bought you, with heels. It’s pink and you love it.

You look at them both and feel a shadow of something pass.

~~

The next morning at breakfast you casually mention that you’ve been thinking of transferring schools to Carmel High, citing their excellent show choir as a reason.

You know (and they do, too) that the show choir has little to do with the decision.

You’ve let people in at McKinley, and all they’ve done is rip you apart, breaking you down, cheating and lying and neglecting you’re last month’s news (or garbage).

You need a fresh start, a new page.

You dads smile sadly and say they’ll think about it.

~~

You turn off your phone for a week near the end of the school year just to see who will leave a message.

No one does.

You’re not naive, or young, or innocent anymore. And the knowledge that you don’t matter tears at you.

~~

You leave home that summer and you don’t come back.

~~

People let you down, they disappoint you.

But your fathers, they love you unconditionally. 

And you call them for every part you get.

~~

When you land a leading role your fathers aren’t the only ones in the audience.

You never see the boy you used to love there. But you find his flowers in your dressing room.

And a card.

You were beautiful up there, Rachel.

You sigh and smile and reach for your phone, punching in a familiar number.

People let you down, but sometimes they can surprise you, too. And maybe that’s what life is all about.